It has been a few years since I was last told by the doctor I have depression. At the time I teared up at the mention of being depressed and started crying while nodding, affirming that the Doctor was right and why my hormones are unstable. I was also more sensitive as I grew older but I still take in good advices despite tearing up at the comments people gave me. I would normally beat myself up with my thoughts.
Negative thoughts are not one you would mess if, I would be sitting here and think of myself, "Why am I so useless? Where did I go wrong? What am I doing here? I'm so fat. I'm ugly. Why is everyone so mean to me? Did I do something wrong? I must have did." These thoughts are dangerous and by dangerous it leads me onto thinking that sleeping and die is the best way.
I would then go back to my base and put on praise and worship to confide in because I know how much God would be disappointed if I ever commited suicide. I also will think about my parents and my siblings and my relatives and my boyfriend. How much this would hurt them because I was not strong enough to go through what I am going through.
I believe these are some of the bad times I would go through at the moment. Such as resigning from my job and learning to get back on my feet. Going back to swimming to my heart content to calm down my anxiety and to ease my worry. I would spend hours in the pool but I know my limits. I took more care of my diet now then before due to being admitted into the hospital twice within the span of a month.
I trust the time I spend in the hospital was not that pleasant as I would find myself feeling numb from all the emotions and at the same time experiencing pain. First one was for appendix removal due to appendix infection, the later was severe gastric problem. Severe Gastric, a sickness you would not want to have. I believe my readers eat proper meals and take care of their health because if you get gastric, you will need to take care of your food.
Eventually, it also lead me to being stress out and a few dozen meltdowns I suffered after work. Resigning was the only way as I could not cope with the organization and the client due to their mismanagement and poor management. I was told that I would be let out at anytime depending on the client. I also hate mind games at work as it is not a healthy thing for me. My first job is really a disaster for me as I really am trying my best to cope with the situation but also finding out that this is not a stable job even though I was told it is permanent, being strikeout of the place by the client totally makes me thing this is going to be their fall as they want someone with 3 or more years of experience on the job. I was only a fresh graduate and this is a legit first job with a small company. I learned a lot too. Don't trust people easily.
I kept a small written journal with me for the depression and stress and anxiety. I am still in the process of moving on from disappointing a few people that are really close to me. I am also feeling the relief wash upon me as I know now that my fate at this job is no longer uncertain.
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